And every song in there reminds me of you. It stands for a moment, a feeling and this unbridled freedom I feel when I’m by your side. I think of that time, in the beginning when we would lie in each other’s arms, not able to get enough of each other, kissing and talking till the sun rose and weakly shone through the dusty windows of our dorm rooms. I think of when the thought of seeing you would leave me giddy, when I would resent you for going to class or doing things that involved not being near me. It was wonderful, like having drunk a glass of champagne too quick, when the bubbles rise to your head and hasten their way out through your nose, because there’s no other release for them leaving your system tingly. That mixture of fear and anticipation that made me want to throw up and giggle at the same time was intoxicating. It was then that I could fly, feel free and be myself. I was worthy of love because…well… I know you’re going to laugh, but well….because you loved me. In loving you, I learned to love myself. And as narcissistic as that may sound, that’s one of the most wonderful gifts one can give to another person.I don’t mean to bring it up all the time, but it was wonderful.
But I feel like I need to. I need to bring it up because it reminds me how I got here. How you insist “spoon me!” and I try and lengthen my body, pointing my toes all the way out so I can accommodate your frame, that’s a whole foot and a half longer than me. It’s every single anxious glance my phone is given past 5:00 p.m. in the evening, and more recently past 6:30 p.m. It’s the way that I fall off to sleep on the phone comforted by the sound of you not saying actual words but just making that noise that I know means “I love you.” It’s waking up at 6:00 a.m. and watching you sleep knowing that in an hour you will be up, and I will crawl back into bed and harass you by putting my cold hands and feet all over your body while you squirm and protest. It’s the good natured envy I know that is directed at me. Seems like everyone knows how good you are. For me, and the rest of the world. And it’s the feeling of satisfaction I get-like a cat that got away with drinking all the milk. It’s the wickedly sublime feeling of knowing that my milk is you.
And on the most human, simple level, the best thing in the world is to love someone and have them love you back.