Plugging into my hate.

The only reason I didn’t buy Glade candles regularly in the past is because I couldn’t afford them and the Duane Reade or Rite Aid brand fulfilled most of my candle-related needs. However, when there was a special occasion I would walk to the store and treat myself a “Clean Linen” scented Glade candle. Then I’d light it and wait for the entire house to fill with it’s glorious fragrance. I would then imagine that I had clean underwear for the next day, and that I did not have to  spend $10 and 3 hours at the laundromat trying to fold my underwear as soon as it comes out of the dryer so that people don’t see it.

Then one day I saw this on T.V:

They got the point across in the first 15 seconds.

Lady: Are you baking a fucking pie?
Lady in black dress: No it’s this wonderful candle.
Done. Why the fuck do we need to see 15 seconds more of these women chattering?  Worse still, is the maniacal cackling after the hostess is called out on her lie. I’ve heard more graceful sounding hyenas, also, it’s very mean. You are not baking a pie. It’s a lie. It’s a lie-pie. Gut-bustingly hilarious.

Maybe it was because she lied about it being French and her brilliant friend picked up on it and said Glaa-day instead of Glade?
I get it!

Also, out of curiosity, why is this woman dressed in this black dress and a pearl choker and pearl cuff and lighting candles all around the house, while her friends look like they just walked out from work at the DMV? She was obviously trying too hard, which will explain what happened.

Bad Glade. Bad!

But we forgive you, if only because of your apple-cinnamon scented candle.

But then, a week later, this abomination made it’s way to the airwaves.

And before I could change the channel, Christmas was around the corner. To celebrate, Glade harassed the networks with this piece of crap.

Is it just me or does this woman have a chronic lying problem? No wonder she has a different set of friends in every commercial. And every single time, they laugh at her, instead of telling her that they know she’s lying or that she should get some help.
Moreover her teeth are unreal, white and rectangular like large chicklets. Everytime I see her, I want to kick her in her large shiny veneers and watch them crumble like they do on Tom and Jerry.  (I’m a sad angry person with a lot of bottled up bitterness, sue me)
“They’re really good, and they’re really glade” She says sheepishly into the camera at then end of the commercial. But you said it was this was a boutique-y fragrance you got to plug into your karma…oh wait, that lying problem.

This is why a Glade candle is $3.99 while a good old Rite Aid candle is $1.99? This is what my two extra dollars goes towards? This woman with horse teeth lying to all her friends? Fuck that.